Hello, my fellow Americans.
No doubt by now you've received the IRS mailing informing you that the United States Congress and yours truly ("W"), have signed into law the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008. That's right folks, even though we're hemorrhaging money funding two wars in two countries and are in a sizable trade deficit with China, we the government have decided, in all our beneficence, to give you this handout. So, just like I previously encouraged you in times of national crisis---shop, shop, shop---do your American duty and wastefully purchase impulse items that will stimulate the economy in the short run, but ultimately become landfill fodder in the end. No better way to exercise your freedom than to engage in slavish consumerism to fill the empty void in your soul where true hope of a safer and more compassionate world used to be!
And please disregard the fact that it cost $42 million dollars to mail this superfluous letter to 130 million American households---a letter that informs you that all you have to do is file a 2007 tax return to receive your stimulus check (You may call me "Captain Obvious", but I think it's a great public relations move!). Also disregard criticism from fellow Republicans like Senator Tom Coburn who said, "Congress should be ashamed of itself for approving a 'stimulus' bill that included funding for this wasteful mailing." Furthermore, disregard the fact that we have wasted a great amount of paper on these letters. Finally, don't pay much mind to the fact that instead of frivolously blowing their stimulus check on useless crap, a good majority of Americans intend to use this money to pay down their stifling credit card debt, which won't give the economy the "feel-good" payoff that I'm looking for to boost my paltry approval rating.
Hey, I'm just a simple guy, like you (only totally privileged socially and economically). I'm not the type of
guy who uses big words...or even the correct usage of words, big or small. Nor am I the type to rouse the American public with inspiring words and hopeful messages (I'll leave that to Barack Obama). No, all I can do is ask you to spend your hard-earned money on luxury items you cannot really afford. But hey, as you fall into a pit of debt due to overspending, you'll become part of the true American Experience and add to our staggering National Debt!
God bless you, and God bless America.
George W. Bush
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